Menacing Melodies
by poisonous tosspot
Summary: Every single album by JLoi has been plagirized. That's right, YOU HEARD ME! Voldemort wrote every song. But now he won't let her take advantage of him anymore. Click to find out what the other Jennifer, Voldie, Fenrir and Snape do to stop her. RR!
1. The Beginning of the End

I AM LORD VOLDEMORT.

Voldemort waved his wand and the letters switched places again.

I O AD M LOVE D O L M TR R.

"No, no, that won't work." said Jennifer Loinspez, sitting beside him.

"Nothing's good enough for you!" sobbed Voldemort. He was always at an emotional state when he was writing songs. Especially since Jennifer never appreciated him trying to write lyrics with the initials of his name. "It's art, dammit!"

"Your mama's art - white boy!" dissed Jennifer Loinspez.

"My mother ..." hissed Voldemort. "WAS A FILTHY MUDBLOOD LOVER! She must DIE!"

"I think she already is."

"Fool," said Voldemort. He sighed and conjured up more letters to fill in the spaces.

IF YOU HAD MY LOVE AND I GAVE YOU ALL MY TRUST WOULD YOU COMFORT ME

"I love that song," said Jennifer smugly.

"_I _wrote it!" sniffed Voldemort.

"Oh, come on, Voldie!" cooed Jennifer.

"No -- you _promised_ to thank me in you liner notes. But you never did! The Dark Lord does not accept disloyalty. You must pay me back for years of deception. _Crucio!"_

But Jennifer Loinspez did not cower in the face of danger. She just turned herself around and hoisted her backside up the level of the angry looking jet of light and it bounced off, while she jiggled.

"Don't try it, Voldie," she said menacingly. "You know you can't control me like one of your Death Eaters. Now _write_!"

Voldemort scowled and raised his wand.

"No. For the last time. Use a _pen_!" said Jennifer Loinspez commandingly.

"You dare tell the Dark Lord what to do," said Voldemort in a deep threatening voice. He held up his wand, poised to strike. But then Jennifer Loinspez readied her rear-end for action and Voldemort knew he couldn't compete. "I'm using a quill! No filthy muggle writing instruments –" Jennifer Loinspez shook her bottom dangerously. The jig was up. "Very well!" he shouted angrily. "I'll use your damn pen."

He picked up a pen and glared at it. "Accursed fiend!" he said, but not loud enough for Jennifer Loinspez to hear. If his Death Eaters ever found out about this unusual arrangement they had he'd lose all of his credibility. But Voldemort didn't have to worry about Jennifer Loinspez not holding up her end of the bargain. She'd lose all her credibility too. Not many people knew that it was really the Dark Lord who wrote all of Jennifer Loinspez's songs. Not to mention, Mark Antony would flip if he knew!

But today she was really pushing it. Jennifer Loinspez _knew_ that Voldemort couldn't just come up with a song like _that_. (At this point, Voldemort snapped his fingers.) All of his songs came out of his strong emotion and feelings that he had at the time. If he was going through an important time in his life and his wand was nearby (which it always was. Really! The Dark Lord be without his wand?) then the music and lyrics would just pour out him and his wand into sparkly shimmery letters floating in midair.

And inevitably, Jennifer Loinspez would come by and claim the song as hers!

At first, Voldemort hadn't really minded. He had a reputation to uphold. And it certainly would've been tarnished, no DECIMATED, if he ever released an album. Even if it was a success, how would Voldemort know if everyone bought the CD out of fear or if they actually enjoyed the beats. Jennifer Loinspez was the perfect way to spread his music with the world.

But lately things were getting more complicated.

What had started out as a friendly but top secret relationship was turning into a slave driver – submissive fool relationship.

And Voldemort himself was the submissive fool! He was the Dark Lord! He dictated he was not dictated to. But Jennifer Loinspez had become very demanding. And Voldemort found himself locked in an arrangement that could destroy his reputation.

And just as things had started going well, too! He had risen back from the "dead." Snape was back on his side. Even Dumbledore was dead!

Jennifer Loinspez's demands were getting ridiculous. It had all started when she started asking him to write songs about specific things. Voldemort had grown used to writing songs in the moment and then allowing Jennifer Loinspez to sing them. But one day she'd asked him to do a song about Ben. Ben Affleech!

You can say what you want about Voldemort, but he never walked around in a pink sweatsuit holding the hand of man who had a chin the size of a Mongolian Swamp Woodchuck!

Now, she was actually forcing him to write a song with power of her voluptuous curves, so often praised in fashion magazines – now wreaking havoc against the terror of the Wizarding World.

One thing was for sure, something had to be done.

**Thanks for reading this! Please review and I'll continue exposing the horrible truth about Voldemort and J.Lo that we have been turning a blind eye too! **

**Just in case you were wondering, I don't own Harry potter. Any resemblance of these characters to anyone real is PURELY coincidental. And you know Jennifer Lopez? Yeah. Her. Well, I used some her songs in this just for kicks. But no one in this fic actually WROTE/SANG any of her songs… SINCE THEY'RE NOT REAL! **


	2. The Only Hope

**Chapter 2**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything to do with Harry Potter. Neither do I own Jennifer Lopez's songs, Feelin So Good and I'm Glad. And neither does Jennifer Loinspez! Oh, JENNIFER LOINSPEZ! When will you evere learn…**

**Again, any characters that remind you of a certain someone you might vaguely know … ARE NOT THEM AT ALL!**

**A/N: You may think that the time line between Jennifer Loinspez's albums and Lord Voldemort doesn't really match up … BUT YOU'RE WRONG!**

Standing outside of the frosted window of the Malfoy Manor, peering into their Sitting Room as Lucius pranced around and sang along to the music. Voldemort couldn't hear the diddy that Lucius was singing along to, but there could be no other explanation for Lucius's booty-shaking and arm-waving. With a feeling of dread, Voldemort tapped his wand on the window and listened for the music to rattle out the tip of his wand.

The sound was tinny and irritating, no where near the likely full and vibratory sound it would have in Lucius's sitting room, but it was still unmistakable.

_When I opened up my eyes today_

_Felt the sun shining on my face_

_It became so clear to me that everything is going my way_

_I feel like there's no limit to what I can see_

_Got rid of fears that were holding me_

_My endless possibilities_

_Has the whole world opened for me_

_That's why I'm feeling..._

Even now, Voldemort felt some of that complete happiness coming back to him. The happiness he had felt when he wrote that song just after all of his most faithful Death Eaters had been released from Azkaban. He had felt like he could've walked straight into Hogwarts and murdered Harry in the middle of Transfiguration!

_I'm feeling so good_

_I knew I would_

_Been taking care of myself _**(got my body back!)**

_Like I should_

_'Cause not one thing_

_Can bring me down_ **(Your days are number Dumbledore)**

_Nothing in this world gonna turn me round..._ **(the Dementors are on my side!)**

_Now the day is turning into night _

_And everything is still going right_ **(Look, Bella is torturing Wormtail! Delightful.)**

_There's no way you can stop me this time _**(Scarhead's not long for this world)**

_Or break this spirit of mine_ **(Only I have discovered the true secret to immortality.)**

_Like the stars above I'm gonna shine_

_Anything I want will be mine_ **(cleanse the Muggles!)**

_Tonight I'm gonna have a good time_

_Call a few friends of mine_ **(Bella, Rodolphus, Lucius …)**

_'Cause I'm loving life_

_And tonight's for feeling... _**(THE PAIN ON POTTER'S FACE!)**

He was so inflated with that good feeling he practically forced the song onto Jennifer Loinspez. He wanted to tell everyone how wonderful he felt! He couldn't hold it in! Jennifer was the only way he could spread the message.

Then Voldemort remembered how furiously angry he had been when he found that Jennifer had taken out the lyrics condemning muggles to a life of misery and torture. She took out _every word_ about how nothing could stand in Voldemort's way to wipe out all muggles of the world.

She said it didn't "go" with her image!

The song changed.

_I'm glad  
When I'm makin' love to you  
I'm glad for the way you make me feel  
I love it cause you seem to blow my mind  
Every.. time  
I'm glad  
When you walk you hold my hand  
I'm happy that you know how to be a man  
I'm glad that you came into my life  
I'm so glad_

That one was more recent. Voldemort had tried to keep it a secret from Jennifer Loinspez, he didn't want this song released – he knew Jennifer would take out most of the words and ruin it like she'd done to other songs. It wasn't too long after this Voldemort realized that Jennifer had locked him into a cycle of blackmail. He had written about his precious Nagini, the way she had made him feel during that otherwise unbearable time with only Wormtail and only scant news from Crouch at Hogwarts.

But Jennifer Loinspez had taken out every word that described Nagini.

_Oooh!_

_That scum he has to milk you_

_And when he comes close_

_Nagini won't you wrap your tail around him_

_And squeeze, squeeze_

_Until his lung cavity is empty_

_Oh baby_

_It's empty he can't breathe_

_His face turns red and eyes pop_

_And then let's go_

_CRUCIO!_

She hadn't put it in.

Back to the present, Voldemort turned back to the Malfoy sitting room, where he expected to see Lucius dancing. But Lucius had now stopped and was staring, terrified, at the window.

There's no point pretending, thought Voldemort. He waved his wand and the window vanished and then he stepped inside through the gap, conjuring the window back up as he went.

"My Lord …" Lucius said weakly. "You're – uh – a little early."

Voldemort just looked at him, and Lucius obligingly quaked. "Jennifer Loinspez," Voldemort said. Lucius gulped.

"I can explain, Your Killingness …"

"SILENCE! Do you know anything about the wretched … _monster_!" roared Voldemort.

"Monster _IN LAW_!" thought Lucius, but he kept it to himself.

This was why Voldemort loved music. He was always so outraged and murderous, in person. But he could share his soft side with some poetic words and music notes.

"You mean Jennifer Loinspez?" said Lucius in disbelief.

"OF COURSE I MEAN JENNIFER LOINSPEZ!" he raged. Taking a deep breath, Voldemort gathered his cold, silently terrifying demeanor about him and turned on Lucius. "Malfoy. How could you be deceived by this fiend. Never, _never_, listen to her again."

Lucius just stared with wide-open eyes at Voldemort.

Voldemort did not like the look he was being given, and so pointed his wand at Lucius and hissed, "_Crucio_."

Over the screams, moans, and his own laughter, Voldemort couldn't hear the knocking of the door. Finally, Snape billowed into the room demanding what was the hold up, but stopped short when he saw Voldemort and Lucius on the ground.

Voldemort broke the curse. "Ah, Severus."

"My Lord," Snape nodded.

Lucius crab-walked backward into a wall and panted heavily.

"Severus, I would like to speak to you. Privately," Voldemort looked at Lucius pointedly, but he didn't really have the capacity to do anything but moan quietly at the present.

Voldemort lead Snape into another highly furnished sitting room, which the Malfoy's had in a surplus. They sat on a beige sofa and Voldemort plumped up the cushions.

"Severus. I have a serious matter to take care of."

"My Lord, I have already told you everything I have ever told the Order," said Snape earnestly, but still maintaining that sneeringly cold tone that Voldemort admired so much.

"I am quite certain that the Order has no knowledge of what I am about to divulge to you," said Voldemort.

Snape only looked surprised and eager for a split second. "Do you know Jennifer Loinspez?"

"Not … not personally …" said Snape. He had been well-acquainted with Dumbledore's love of muggle newspapers and there had been a couple articles featuring Jennifer Loinspez once upon a time.

"Well of course not personally!" said Voldemort impatiently. Then he leaned forward confidentiality. "She must be dealt with."

Snape looked at him shrewedly. "Jennifer Loinspez?"

"Indeed," said Voldemort.

Dumbledore was never going to believe this, thought Snape.

"But she's a muggle," said Snape reasonably. "Wouldn't it be easier to simply use the Avada Kedavra?"

Voldemort shook his head. "She has powers that you would never have though possible."

Snape blinked. "So, you propose we engage the Death Eaters to take care of her?" He tried not to sound too disdainful.

"No, Severus. It's too late for that," said Voldemort gravely. "I need you to arrange a meeting with Jennifer Gardener. She is the only way I can see possible for having Jennifer Loinspez _disappeared_."

"Jennifer Gardener?" said Snape.

"Yes," said Voldemort. "She's our only hope."


	3. The Plan

**Chapter 3: The Plan**

**Disclaimer: All of this is the catalogue of true events that occurred between Jennifer Lopez and Lord Voldemort, so of course, I don't own any of it. I don't own the Go Fug Yourself blog either, but it's hilarious!**

**A/N: Thanks pour les reviews: **

**_StrawberryBonBon_ – thanks for saying I have talent! You are steeped!**

**_Slytherinbookworm_ – I SHALL continue. If you continue reviewing**

**_Sugarbabe_ – I feel like I'm copying you by writing back to you like you do in your fics, but HONESTLY I used to do this all the time when I wrote fanfictions. But ehh… deleted them all cause I didn't like any of them. Anyways**: **Voldemort cares too much about his reputation to release an album! But he does try to get back at J.Lo another way … I've never heard Jennifer Garner sing, but I think that's better than actually singing even though you're awful (coughJ.Locough). Voldieshort's is probably is much better singer. I bet if J.Gar (lol) had Voldemort's support she would've been as successful or more than Lopez!**

**_Rapidfire_ – what does J.Lo have to do with J.Gar? Two words: BEN AFFLECK!**

**P.S. I don't think there's been any swearing yet, but just so you know, there IS some here.**

Three knocks on the door and it swung open. There, on the threshold, stood a gargantuan sized head in the doorway. His head was so enormous that the space between the door frame could barely fit it. Snape had to step back a couple times to be able to see the whole thing, but he still could fit the chin in his line of vision.

"Good morning," said Snape swiftly. "May I come in?"

"Sure – who are you?" said the man.

"I arranged an appointment with Jennifer Garner," said Snape coldly.

"Oh!" He stepped back from his door and tried very hard to hold his head straight so it wouldn't wobble off. "I'm Ben," he grinned.

Snape nodded curtly.

Ben lead him up a few staircases, down some hallways, through a couple bedrooms, in a few doors, and up another staircase. In the last room they reached, Jennifer Garner sat in a leather armchair holding a baby. Snape was momentarily pleased to see that the baby did not inherit "Ben"'s atrocious head. Snape turned and glared Ben out of the room.

"I got your letter," said Jennifer Garner. "You want to talk about Lopez?"

"Indeed," said Snape. "I understand that she has been in contact with you."

"Uh …" said Jennifer Garner nervously.

Snape stared at her icily. "Jennifer Lopez has been trying to contrive an arrangement with you concerning Ben Affleck?"

"Yes," said Jennifer Garner finally. "She keeps writing me to try and make me let her have Ben back, but I won't let her! Oh yeah – she pretends to be all over him and happy with the Roman Emporor dude. But I know she really wants him. I won't let her have him! I've saved all the letters, to use them against her one day. But only when the time is right."

"I believe now is the time to deploy those letters," said Snape immediately.

"What do you mean? I should sell them to the tabloids? Do you work for People magazine?" she added eagerly.

"No," said Snape. "The man I work for wishes to have Jennifer Lopez – ah – 'swim with the fishes.' We need you to persuade Jennifer Lopez into meeting us."

"But I can't persuade her to do anything!" said Jennifer Garner. "It's not like we're friends. She just threatens to come after me if I don't hand Ben over."

"That is why the only way to attract Jennifer Lopez isto tell her you are handing him over," said Snape.

"What!" shrieked Jennifer Garner. "No way! He's mine!"

Snape went on, "I've been instructed to arrange a swap."

"I'm never handing Ben over," said Jennifer Garner fiercely.

"I'm not asking you too. Just be quiet and listen. Jennifer Lopez, I am informed, is too powerful to simply take by a small force, and especially when she is ready for it. If we manage to persuade her to come a certain location under the pretence that she can recapture Ben, then we can initiate the rest of our plan to have her disposed of."

Jennifer Garner's face went through phases of gleeand then toconfusion. "But why are you doing this? Who wants this done?"

"That is not part of your job in our plan," said Snape shortly.

"But Ben won't be hurt?" said Jennifer Garner carefully.

"Never," Snape replied.

"I'll do it."

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Slime dripped from the ceiling into a puddle on the cave's floor. The dripping sound echoed eerily throughout the cavern. The effect enhanced by the shadowy dappling of firelight against the walls. Voldemort grew angrier by every drip. He did not enjoy being kept waiting.

Finally a big man with matted hair and yellowed nails lurched into the stone chamber.

"Sorry, my Lord," said Fenrir Greyback.

"You received my messenger," said Voldemort coldly and to the point.

"Messenger …" said Fenrir flatly, and then shrugged.

Voldemort blazed and smouldered. He would have preferred that this could have been done more eloquently, but ever since he had taken it in him mind to get rid of Jennifer Lopez he couldn't rest until she was finished. He wanted this done quickly.

"The message _was_ that you will take everyone and anyone that lives in these caverns – _werewolves_ – to a cabin located inBeardsley forest. Where you will _wait_. Outside. Many people will be coming into that cabin, including myself and Severus Snape, and a muggle woman. When I tell you, and only when I do, you and your people may rip her open." Voldemort's voice was pulsating with contempt.

"Right, my Lord," said Fenrir, looking a little abashed at Voldemort's tone.

"Do you swear to not attack anyone until I command you?"

"As long as we can eventually attack someone," chuckled Fenrir.

"YOU DO NOT TELL THE DARK LORD WHAT TO DO!"

Voldemort wouldn't stand for people telling him what to do! People were supposed to submit! Jennifer Lopez was the only one to try to control! His servants would NOT start takingher place!

Fenrir looked terrified and hurriedly backed away from Voldemort. In doing so he slipped on some slime and slid spectacularly onto his back.

"Do we have an understanding?" came Voldemort's high and cold voice as he towered above Fenrir. He didn't wait for answer, wanting to have dramatic effect, and disapparated on the spot.

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Jennifer Lopez stood in front of her diamond encrusted mirror in her black laceybra and some pink sweat pants. She massaged her perfectly flat, hard, abs while muttering to herself.

"Yeah, you're much better than dumb Jennifer Garner's fat-ass! Look at these washboard babies. Mmmm… yeah you guys are so sweet. Marc Antony just _loves_ you doesn't he? Yeah. That's right. You tell her! I'd like to see what Ben Affleck thinks of her flabby jiggly pregnant ass! How could he prefer her beer gut over you toned and beautiful abs? Everyone should just shut up about her so-called"fruitful" womb. Bitch. I hope he's having fun with her stretch marks! Ha!"

"Honey?" said Marc Antony's voice at the door. "I just got a letter for you. Can I come in?"

"Alright," Jennifer Lopez put on a sexy, seductive, breathy voice.

Marc opened the door and handed her the letter.

"It's probably a thank you for having such killer abs," giggled Jennifer Lopez.

"Of course it is, baby!" said Marc gleefully.

Jennifer ripped it open and shook the slip of paper inside it into her hand. Her eyes fell on the signature at the bottom. It was from Jennifer Garner

_Lopez,_

_After a lot of consideration and talking it over with my SUPER SEXY, GORGEOUS, AWESOME HUSBAND THAT I'VE HAD A BABY WITH we've decided it's time for a change. A.k.a. you can have him bitch! _

_I don't really care about Ben anymore. I've got my baby. Who the hell cares about a husband anymore? God, I'm soooooo happy. I don't even need a husband! (Yeah, that's right, I don't need a husband to be my crutch. HINT HINT.) _

_Soto get rid of him nice and clean, I'll hand him over to you. No tricks. Nothing. You can straight up have him! Come to the cabin in Beardsley forest. That's in England. There's only one cabin there so it shouldn't be hard to find for even you, skank. I'm not even going to be there so you don't have to worry about anything happening to your precious little ass._

_Just remember: come alone or not at all._

_Hugs, kisses, and much love,_

_THE SUPER AWESOME NEW MOTHER JENNIFER GARNER_

"Oh my God! Marc! It's finally happened," said Jennifer Lopez while hyperventilating out of excitement.

Marc took the leader and read it speedily. He gasped. "Jen, I can't believe it! We can finally get him!"

He slung his arm around her shoulder and they turned to a life-size birdcage hanging from a hook in their bedroom. Ben's water dish was still there from when he had last escaped.

"He won't get away so easily this time!" barked Jennifer Lopez.

Marc Antony laughed along with her, but then he turned to look at her seriously. "But it might be a trap. It's always a possibility. I can't _possibly_ let you go alone. I'm coming with you."

"I can handle whatever happens," scoffed Jennifer Lopez, patting her abs. "And If you say another word with the root word possible, you won't get to see my abs for a week."

"No," said Marc firmly. "Jennifer Garner could have _anything_ planned."

Jennifer Lopez sighed. "I guess so. That fat bitch always has something up her sleeve."

Turning again,the coupletookin the cage greedily and laughed maniacally. Destiny was knocking on their door.

**Please review and I'll put up the next chapter as soon as I can! Will Jennifer and Marc Antony recapture Ben? Or will Fenrir and the werewolves get in there way? Will Voldemort ever be free of J.Lo? Tune in next time …**


	4. I'm fine!

**Chapter #Something: I'M FINE!**

**DISCLAIMER: Okay, I OBVIOUSLY can't claim anything from Harry Potter because I'M WRITING ON A FREAKING FAN FICTION WEBSITE! I'll never understand why people write disclaimers for Harry Potter when they write it under Harry Potter fan fiction! Anyways, I don't own Jennifer Lopez or anything she takes it into her head to do. But I'm pretty happy about that. Neither do I own Go Fug Yourself – but I could die happy if I did.**

**A/N: I used three swear words! Gaspolats! There it is … In the open … for all to see …**

Fenrir was waiting behind the cabin in the woods while Voldemort paced back and forth in the cabin and Snape stared out the window to keep a watch on the old werewolf.

Voldemort wasn't himself. He should be sitting serenely but menacingly in a moth-eaten armchair. Not pacing! Not nervous! But that's what he was doing, never the less. Because of that damn Jennifer Lopez, his reputation was at stake. It had come to this. He was at the mercy of the bootylicious nature of one muggle singer. He had arrived in Beardsley Forest hours before he had needed to, and made himself (and Snape) agitated by playing _This is me ... Then_. Again. And again. And ag -- It was to remind him of the atrocities Jennifer Lopez had forced him into. Voldemort needed motivation if he was going to fearlessly give Fenrir the signal.

He'd have to do it quickly. They hadn't brought Ben Affleck. Partly because he wasn't exactly necessary and muggles were annoying, but mostly because Jennifer Garner had refused to relinquish him.

Just as Snape was about to curse the CD player into oblivion (It was bad enough having to go on a ridiculous mission such as this, but having to endure Dumbledore cackling away at the last Order meeting on hearing what Voldemort's current adventures were … it was too much.), they could hear Land Rover tires grinding against the road. A creation of America kicking Nature to the curb -- she never had a chance. If there had been hair on Voldemort's pasty white and ghastly neck it would have stood up, but there wasn't any so we'll have to save that for another day. In any case, his heart was doing a wild tribal dance to kettle drums and his hands started to shake.

He hadn't been so excited since he had Cruciatus Cursed Potter in the graveyard!

But Voldemort just clenched his hand and gulped down his colossal apprehension. He strode over to the door and stood beside it where the door would swing infront of Voldemort to hide himself when they first walked in, so he could be properly frightening.

Outiside, Jennifer Lopez was silent apart from her foot steps.

Hold on, thought Voldemort. Has she intoxicated herself? Why are her footsteps so sloppy? He squinted at the far wall while he thought and then realized - she wasn't alone! That accursed, miserable, lying, cheating, treachorous, toad pus encrusted --

The door opened.

Someone gasped.

Voldemort then realized that Jennifer Lopez had glimpsed Snape -- a slouching, leering, oily, pale, crooked, Dickensian man -- slumping all over the window sill, and that must have been what surprised her. It was now or never! Voldemort stepped sideways into the door so that it swung shut. Jennifer Lopez started and spun around. Then she gasped again when she saw him. Voldemort wasn't a pleasant sight in a dark cabin in the middle of Beardsley Forest.

Marc Antony was with her. MARC ANTONY! Voldemort wasn't so much outraged as amused. There, that was the old cunning Voldie-Shorts back. What could a C-List salsa dancer do to foil up his plans? Voldemort wasn't so worried anymore. And just look at her! She was hardly exuding confidence. Jennifer was wearing all black with simply straight hanging hair.

Voldemort leaned back to get the full effect. "Girl, I could have dressed up better for a hostage swap! Ha!"

Jennifer Lopez sulked and turned to Marc Antony. "See! I told you I should have worn the sequin harness!"

Marc Antony turned away and imitated her in a murmuring (ahem, sugarbabe) high-pitched voice, "Sequin harness! Sequin harness!" He sank down to his usually pitch, which wasn't a large drop, for the record, "Why don't you _shut up_ about the sequin harness!"

"I would if you could dress me better then Vol--"

"Don't you dare say he's a better dresser than me! Don't! Don't!" Marc Antony smacked his hands over his ears and started humming a song. A Jennifer Lopez song -- _Get Right_. "You're looking just a little too hard at me, standin' just a little too close to me --"

"You better stop singing right now," said Voldemort in his coldest voice. Infact, it could be categorized as Iceacious #14

"Look Voldie," said Jennifer Lopez, cutting the chase. "I'm going to cut to the chase. I'm not exactly sure why you're here, but we've come to collect Ben Affleck, and we'll just, yeah, like, do that, and then, you know, go ..."

"No, I don't think so," said Voldemort slowly.

Jennifer smiled insinserely. "I've really got to go, Voldie. We should catch up real soon! But I've just got sooo much stuff going on, you know! Like, my new show, South Beach, and three movies coming up! Three! But I'm still totally down to earth, you know. I'm from the Bronx!"

"Enough," said Voldemort loudly, cutting right into her ramblefest. Jennifer fell silent, even her backside wilted.

He looked over at Snape and nodded curtly. Snape turned back to the window, and in that moment the signal had been given.

"I have Affleck," said Voldemort.

Jennifer Lopez gasped and clapped her hands to her mouth. Voldemort didn't see how he'd been able to handle all the gasping before.

"Where the hell is he?" demanded Marc Antony.

Voldemort looked disdainfully over at him. He looked at this patchy facial hair, and baggy cargo pants and sandals. Privately he thought, Try running in those JACKASS!

"He is outside. In the trees."

"Take me to him!" screeched Jennifer Lopez suddenly, her bottom wilted no more. Indeed, it was in full flower.

"Ladies first," said Voldemort, motioning serenely. But he was actually grinding his teeth together in agitation. He watched her behind flounce out the door, trying not to show a hint of fear, but feeling it in full force. Her buttocksulars still struck fear in his heart.

Outside, Jennifer squinted at the trees behind the cabin. "I see a guy … But he doesn't look like Ben …"

Voldemort said, "He is. He's put on some weight."

"Ha!" said Jennifer Lopez. "He never could survive without me. Once you look at these babies –" she ran her fingers over her abs "—you just can get enough of me." She sighed luxuriously, "I'm so beautiful."

"As I was saying, Ben Affleck is that way," interrupted Voldemort.

"C'mon honey! Oh my God, has this day really come?" exclaimed Jennifer and with Marc Antony's hand in hers, dashed towards the line of trees.

On plunging into the woods, everything was so much darker and Jennifer found that Ben wasn't in clear view anymore.

"Ben," she said sternly. "Come out. Now." She expected him to scamper out of hiding with his tail between his legs like all those other times. But all she heard was some indistinct growling and she gawked around to try and find its source.

It had come from behind her – a crowd of _things_. Some of them were wolf-ish looking beings, others were globby, dirty, sweating, scabby people. Their leader, as Jennifer Lopez assumed the dirtiest, globbiest, sweatiest, and scabbiest one of them would be, smiled heartily at her with a sinister twist to his lips.

"Hello pretty."

Jennifer Lopez waited in her Land Rover with a gut-crunching feeling of despair. There was no Ben Affleck.

Now that they were back in civilization, Marc had gone to buy her some MacDonalds to calm her nerves.

Jennifer leaned her head against the heavily tinted window and watched him walk through the parking lot to their car. How could Voldie have done this? If he didn't want to write her songs anymore he could've just said so! And then she could have just strangled him with her rear end without all these back room deals. Why does _everyone_ cheat on me, Jennifer wondered disconsolately.

"I'm such a victim," she sighed.

Marc Antony opened the car door just as literally _tens_ of paparazzi jumped out from behind unsuspecting bushes and road barriers to start snapping photos and barraging the couple with questions.

Marc Antony half-turned to the cameramen with a dazed smile on his face, waving casually. His eye was twitching.

"Marc! Jen! What have you guys been up to?"

"Why are your clothes ripped and torn?"

"Are you starting a new line, Jen?"

"What a little trendsetter!"

"I love that new hairstyle – ripped out in chunks –"

"Marc! Are you okay?"

"Why is there blood on your shirt?"

"Why do you have such a deplorable fashion sense?"

Marc Antony laughed and continued waving. "No, no, everyone. I'm fine! I'm fine. Nothing to see here! Just bringing my wife a Big Gulp. No, no, I told you, I'm fine. Seriously, I'm totally fine. No – I don't need that IV drip. I mean it. Back off with that shit. I don't need the sugar water. I'M FINE. Yeah, so maybe I got chased her by a pack of rabid wolves who ripped off the bottom of my shirt. So what? Nothing I can't handle. Me and my Jesus sandals and my raggedy-ass facial hair have never been better. Just here visiting the wife! Never been better! She and I are right as rain! There's no crying about the bitch Garner in my house, no siree! We're both a-okay, and that's not blood on the back of my shirt. Not at all. So step off."

He laughed his merry way into the driver's seat and slammed the door. Then he feel apart – sobbing and drooling all over the steering wheel.

Jennifer stared at the mound of wounds that was her husband. "You still have your thumbs," offered Jennifer helpfully. "That's what makes us human … or something."

"Yeah," said Marc, ungratefully looking at his two remaining fingers. "I'll never salsa again."

"Yeah, I guess," said Jennifer. "But atleast I had the good sense to use your body as a shield to get away from those – those wolvie – things – and get back to the car. To protect my abs, you know."

"Yeah, that was some good problem solving."

"Yeah – I'm Jenny from the Block. You know, the Bronx. That's where I get all my mad skills from. It makes me down to earth, you know?"

"Jen," said Marc sadly, with a touch of wail and a pinch of morose. "I _loved_ to salsa."

Jennifer looked at him sympathetically for a fleeting moment -- he almost missed it. And then her face hardened with determination. "We're going to get Voldie back for that."

**P.S. I'm not fully aware of the proper use of capitalization in mcdonalds (fast food place).**

**P.S.S. I took a long time writing this parce-que I had a killer Politics test. Which I just wrote today. AND FAILED! Why don't you cheer me up with a review?**

**Sugarbabe1! YO! YO! YO! Hi. How are you? WHERE THE DIJNON IS THAT CHAPTER FOR POWER OF FOUR? I'm waiting .. glares Anyways, thanks pour les reviews. You're the only one to review Chapter 3! You get a prize! Here it is – SIRIUS BLACK! As to your review: Snape being friends with J.Gar? I don't think Snape likes friends … otherwise him and I would totally hang out EVERYDAY! But he said he wanted his space. SAD FACE! But actually I heard of Marc Antony the emporer before I heard of Marc Antony the singer and then when I heard of the singer I was like – WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM! WHY WOULD YOU WANT THAT NAME? (But hey, Marc Antony ended up getting totally whipped by his girlfriend, Cleopatra, and then getting killed by his best friend for getting involved with good ol' Cleo. And now you could care less about Marc Antony but everyone knows who Cleopatra is! Coincidence? I think not!) But did you know that Sean Biggerstaff's birthday is on the Ides of March and he says he thought he could be the reincarnation of Julius Caesar. He's so delightful. **

**LOL, My responses to your reviews are pretty much as long as my reviews on your story! OH, and by the by (lol) I noticed your reviews are long like mine. HA!**


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